Summary-
Many people call them office romances, but the truth is that dating or sleeping with your boss is rarely about romance. It is about power, pressure, and coercion. This article explores why consent in these situations is an illusion, how harassment happens in offices, restaurants, and beyond, and the lasting damage it causes. If you have ever questioned whether a workplace relationship with your boss was really a choice, you are not alone.
Article
Sure, your boss asked nicely. Maybe it even felt flattering. But let’s be honest. When the person who signs your paycheck, controls your schedule, and holds your career in their hands asks you out on a date, how free is your “yes” really? Every time I write about this issue on LinkedIn, the comments pour in. Some people nod in agreement: “Exactly, there’s always a power imbalance.” Others push back: “Consenting adults should be allowed to do what they want. What if it’s really love?”
Here is my belief. When the person pursuing you also decides your salary, your assignments, your promotion, or your termination, it is not love. It is leverage.
The Headlines Tell the Story
Recently, Nestlé’s CEO was forced out after internal investigations revealed affairs with subordinates. The board saw liability, risk, and a betrayal of trust. Another public scandal, known as the Astronomer case, started as a seemingly “consensual” kiss caught on camera but spiraled into termination and reputational fallout. The pattern is clear. The myth of consent between a boss and a subordinate always unravels. And while some high-profile executives lose their jobs, in most cases the boss stays and the employee has to leave.
The Myth of Consent at Work
You cannot have a consensual relationship with your boss, manager, law firm partner, restaurant manager, CEO, or business owner. The power imbalance makes consent an illusion. The same person who sends you late-night texts is also filling out your performance review. The same person who calls you “amazing” is also deciding whether you get a raise or a write-up. That is not romance. That is power.
At Phillips & Associates, one of the largest sexual harassment law firms in the New York tri-state area, we see this every day. Roughly 80 percent of our sexual harassment cases involve supervisors targeting subordinates.
What Sexual Harassment Really Means
Definition of Sexual Harassment: any unwelcome sexual advance, request for sexual favors, or other verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature that impacts someone’s employment or creates a hostile work environment. It often looks like this:
- Comments about appearance, body, or clothing
- Sexual jokes or crude remarks
- Managers talking about their own sex lives or asking about yours
- Sharing explicit pictures
- Touching disguised as casual: a shoulder rub, a tug of the hair, or the all-time favorite, a hand on the thigh at dinner or in a cab
- Commenting on personal social media photos, especially swimsuits or cocktail dresses
- After-hours texts or emails that have nothing to do with work
- These are not random. They are deliberate steps in grooming.
Quid Pro Quo: “This for That”
Quid pro quo harassment happens when promotions, raises, time off, or better shifts depend on sexual favors. The flip side is just as damaging. Saying no risks punishment like demotions, bad shifts, or write-ups. It rarely sounds as blunt as “sleep with me and you’ll get the job.” Instead, it is framed as mentorship or opportunity: “Let’s talk about your future over drinks.” But everyone knows the subtext.
If your job depends on saying yes, your consent is not real. It is extortion wrapped in a smile.
Where Harassment Happens
Harassment is not confined to the office. It starts in interviews, lingers in late-night DMs, and follows at conferences, after-work drinks, or team-building retreats. In hospitality, it often shows up in shift assignments and access to the sections with the best tips.
Harassment does not clock out at 5 p.m. It just changes locations.
Grooming and Emotional Fallout
It usually begins with flattery. “You have great style. You are a superstar. Stick with me and I will take care of you.” Then come the texts about recipes or failing marriages. Then the drink invitation. The victim feels stressed and confused. They second-guess themselves. Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe it is harmless. What if I lose my job if I say no?
Eventually, many give in out of fear. And that is when the damage deepens.
Victims question themselves endlessly. Was it harassment? Am I overreacting? Coworkers dismiss it with, “That’s just the way he is.” The guilt sets in. The practical fears pile up. If I leave, how do I explain a three-month job? Will I be blacklisted in the industry? How do I pay rent?
The discomfort turns inward. Shame, confusion, and self-blame take over. Speaking up feels more dangerous than staying quiet.
The Fallout of “Consensual” Relationships
Even if it looks consensual at first, it rarely ends that way. When the relationship ends, the employee pays the price. Write-ups for small mistakes, fewer opportunities, whispers about professionalism. The boss stays. The employee goes. Careers are derailed, résumés scarred, confidence shattered. I hear these stories every week. Victims call me when the realization hits: what looked like choice was actually coercion.
Pop Culture Knows It Too
The Hulu film “Swiped”, loosely based on the founding of Tinder and Bumble, shows how a relationship with a boss unravels into retaliation and loss. While fictional, the plot mirrors real cases I settle regularly, often for seven figures. Companies pay because they know how vulnerable they are.
Final Takeaway
If you have ever shrugged this off as “two adults making a choice,” ask yourself this: would the employee have said yes if they truly had the freedom to say no? Companies know the answer. That is why so many ban supervisor–subordinate relationships outright. They know it is not love. It is liability.
Sleeping with your boss isn’t a love story. It’s the oldest workplace scam in the book, and the only happily-ever-after is for the one signing the paychecks.”
These stories do not belong to one person. They belong to all of us. The only way to change the ending is to stop pretending it is romance and start calling it what it really is.
About Phillips & Associates
Phillips & Associates is one of the largest plaintiff-side employment law firms in the New York tri-state area. Led by Managing Partner William K. Phillips, the firm has represented thousands of victims of sexual harassment, discrimination, and workplace retaliation. The attorneys at Phillips & Associates routinely handle cases involving coercive workplace relationships and power imbalance.
If you feel pressured into a relationship with your boss, if you are facing retaliation after ending one, or if you are questioning whether what happened to you was harassment, you are not alone. At Phillips & Associates, our sexual harassment lawyers represent employees throughout New York and New Jersey who have been targeted by supervisors, managers, and business owners. We offer confidential consultations and provide you with guidance and options.
No attorney fees unless we recover for you. Speaking up is not easy, but it is often the first step toward reclaiming your career and your peace of mind. Contact us for free at 212-248-7431